In partnership with

In my course, I have students do a 5 Whys Analysis.

It’s an activity where you state your problem, then ask yourself why 5 times to really get to the root cause of an issue.

Usually my students’ problems go like this:

• I’m procrastinating finishing my thesis

• I’m not working on my app MVP when I said I would

• It’s a struggle to go to the gym and keep up a healthy lifestyle

• I keep saying I’ll lock in but I never have time

But by the time they get to the 5th why…

Every student’s answer was the same.

Today’s sponsor 🫶

The Tutor That’s Always Here to Help

Need a homeschool break?

Join 1,000+ homeschool families using Acadia Learning to make learning fun and take charge of their education.

Homeschool families use Acadia to:

• teach challenging subjects

• give busy parents a break

• make learning fun

and more.

Book your first session by the end of the month to get 50% off your first month.

Book your session

What the real issue is

Here’s an example:

I’m procrastinating - I’m not putting in the work on my business / side hustle.

Why? Because there’s a lot to do and I’m overwhelmed.

Why? Because I have this huge to do list full of admin work I don’t wanna do.

Why? Because there’s a lot of work I need to get done.

Why? Because I want my business to succeed so I have to do all these different things even though it’s overwhelming and a lot to expect.

Why? Because I need everything to be perfect so I’m not seen as cringe, sloppy, unprofessional, or as a failure.

^that’s how most of my students’ 5 Whys Analyses would go.

The underlying fear behind their procrastination was the fear of not being perfect.

For me, that fear arose because I’m a chronic people pleaser (rip the ADHD rejection sensitivity).

People pleasing’s impact on my thinking

If I wrote down all my expectations of myself, it’d go something like this:

• I have to be perfect and competent all the time so I can help people when they need me

• I must never feel negative emotions towards others because I need to be a nice person (and if I do, I’ll feel guilty or ashamed for it)

• I should drop everything in my life to help someone else if they asked for it

• I cannot say no to another person’s request because I don’t want to disappoint them, since it’s my duty to make everyone happy all the time

Sounds intense, right?

Also kinda unrealistic…why’d I put all that pressure on myself?

Why’d I base my self-worth as a person on things I can’t control (other people’s reactions)?

But if you examine the other side of my expectations…it goes like this:

• If I’m able to help people whenever they need me, they’ll have to like me

• If I never show anger or any negative emotions towards someone else, they’ll never leave me

• If I dropped everything to help someone, they’ll tell me I’m helpful and a good person

• If I never disappoint people and make them happy all the time, they’ll compliment me and say nice things about me

Writing it out like that makes me sound super entitled, right?

Because when I had these implicit expectations of other people, I felt resentful when my “niceness” wasn’t returned.

Like when I helped friends out with their work but secretly felt resentful,

Then felt guilty about feeling resentful…

I wasn’t being a fair friend to them or to myself.

Small ways my habits ruined my work

Because of my people pleasing, perfectionistic habits,

I was unable to properly communicate expectations confidently.

Because of that, I stayed stuck and my work suffered

(Whether it was volunteering at a nonprofit, working full-time, or now as a content creator / business owner).

This applies to both my relationships with other people and how I talked to myself.

Instead of being confident like:

“I will do this because I think that, let’s see what happens,”

I was thinking “I’m not sure about this, but maybe it’ll work? I don’t really want to, but it could be worth a try and I trust other people’s judgment more than my own. If I go with their suggestion and I fail, it’s not my fault so it’s okay.”

This led to months of resentment and disappointment on my side, just to preserve my ego because I didn’t want to be a “failure.”

That’s not really the way I want to live life anymore 😅 

So that’s why I started a Fears Challenge

For the last month, I’ve been trying to do things that scare me:

• Introducing myself to my neighbour

• Asking a stranger to teach me how to do a handstand

• Giving my friend some honest feedback / setting boundaries kindly

• Asking strangers random questions

This taught me it’s okay if people say no.

It’s okay if I “fail.”

Because that doesn’t mean people stop liking me (even if they do, it’s okay).

It just means I know I don’t need to be perfect to love myself.

And when I really felt that confidence, that lack of fear holding me back…

I was able to make more progress (daily posts on TikTok) on all the things I’d been procrastinating on before.

Because it just wasn’t so scary anymore.

Til next time,

Jennifer

P.S. I’m reading Disease to Please rn and it’s been so helpful