The other day, my friend asked for some advice.
Here’s what I said to her - but I’ll elaborate a bit more in today’s email.
ADHD and common struggles
Idk if it’s just me and my ADHD friends, but whenever we crash out here’s what’s going on in our heads:
All or nothing thinking: this is SO UNFAIR why is it like this EVERY TIME, NOBODY understands me
Rejection sensitivity (and people pleasing): I’m scared of people not liking me so I have to repress these feelings of anger and defensiveness
Guilt and shame: I’m a horrible person and a failure for thinking poorly of others and for being upset about this issue
Example of a crashout I had 10 min ago when I realized one of my links was broken due to my lack of attention to detail:
All or nothing thinking: omg ARE YOU KIDDING ME I probably lost out on so many business opportunities because of this broken link and now I’ll die penniless (idk why I’m so dramatic 😭)
Rejection sensitivity (rejecting/criticizing myself here tbh): this was such a small thing, I can’t even do that right so I’m a failure. I don’t deserve success
Guilt and shame: I teach others to be kind to themselves when I can’t even be kind to myself sometimes, I don’t wanna do this anymore, I should just stop bc having a business isn’t meant for me, I want to hide and just avoid the whole business cuz it reminds me of all these negative feelings
Then I have to add 1 or 2 cries to my cry count
And that’s how the spiralling usually goes - I just get more and more upset.
What I was trying to do before
I thought I just needed to learn:
Better communication to improve my relationships
Better time management and productivity
Better content creation skills
Better marketing and business skills
Better focus and attention
But like I told my friend, all these skills won’t help you when you’re panicking.
You need to learn how to calm down first.
It’s kinda like when you’re caught in a riptide.
No matter how well you know how to swim,
You actually shouldn’t try to fight the current - panicking will waste all your energy.
You’re supposed to stay calm, float to preserve energy, and swim parallel to shore (feels counter-intuitive).
Similarly, when something happens:
A link breaks
You get tons of hate comments on a post
You argue with a loved one
You doomscroll for hours by accident
It might actually be most helpful to pause and take a few deep breaths.
Then you can act once you have a clear head - once you’re more regulated.
What regulation looks like
I’ve tried a few different things:
Taking my mind off the issue by walking/running
Journaling through my thoughts (sometimes leads to more spiralling)
Talking it out with someone (sometimes leads to more spiralling and delusion if they enable me 😂)
Grounding myself through tangible observations instead of getting tied up in the stories in my head
Example observation: I got 65 clicks on the broken link in the last month (not the end of the world lol)
Example story that didn’t help me: THE LINK WAS BROKEN AND THIS MEANS I WILL ALSO BE BROKE
What works best depends on the situation, but as more and more challenging things happen, I find myself using the opportunity to practice, so it becomes easier.
With that mindset (seeing each challenge as an opportunity to practice being a better person),
I find that my crashouts don’t really last as long as before.
Sometimes it takes just 2-3 deep breaths and me asking myself “what do I really want?” to vibe check myself and calm down.
Try the 2-3 deep breaths next time and let me know if it helps you too 🫶
How was today's email?
Til next time,
Jennifer
P.S. I share a lot of similar concepts in my 3 day reset here! A lot of it is about mindset. Someone shared this in the feedback form which was so sweet 🥺
